Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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