I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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