I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
