Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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