Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
