my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
