i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i came on her dog
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
