I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize