it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
