It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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