Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
