Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
