If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
True strength comes from lack of pants
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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