I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
