forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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