I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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