i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
zippers are such a cool invention
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
