Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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