the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
