you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
