I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
