And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
