he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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