I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
