when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He kissed a someone with a penis
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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