Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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