these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
