failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
