My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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