Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
