Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
