FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
