i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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