He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
