I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
