just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
