Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
