i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
cat food counts as protein by the way
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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