And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
