walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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