I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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