On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
