I just threw up on my dentist
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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