can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
