They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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