Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
