At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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