you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
her vagine was all disorganized.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
