The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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