too bad you live with your parents still
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am midnight drunk by noon
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
