someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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