Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
