Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
