you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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