True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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