3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
