things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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