So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
