Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
