I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
