Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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