He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
