They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
